Understanding Attachment Styles and How They Show Up in Relationships

by Fallon Panetta, MS, MHC-LP

Understanding Attachment Styles and How They Show Up in Relationships

The way we connect with others isn’t random. It is shaped over time, often beginning in early relationships with caregivers. These experiences help form what are known as attachment styles, which influence how we think, feel, and behave in close relationships.
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Attachment styles are not labels or fixed traits. They are patterns that can shift over time with awareness, experience, and support.

What are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles describe how we respond to closeness, trust, and emotional connection.

They often become more noticeable in relationships where we feel vulnerable or emotionally invested.

There are four main attachment styles:
• Secure
• Anxious-Preoccupied
• Avoidant-Dismissive
• Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized
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Each one reflects a different way of managing connection and emotional needs.

Secure Attachment

A secure attachment style allows for both closeness and independence. Individuals with a secure style tend to feel comfortable trusting others and being trusted in return. They are generally able to communicate their needs clearly and respond to others in a balanced way.

They can handle conflict without becoming overwhelmed and are able to maintain emotional stability within relationships. While no relationship is perfect, there is a sense of flexibility, safety, and mutual understanding.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

An anxious-preoccupied attachment style is often marked by a strong desire for closeness paired with a fear of rejection or abandonment.

Someone with this style may overthink interactions, seek frequent reassurance, or feel unsure about where they stand in a relationship. Their mood may shift based on how others respond to them, and they may be highly sensitive to changes in communication or attention.
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This can lead to patterns of overanalyzing, needing validation, or feeling easily hurt when expectations are not met.

Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment

An avoidant-dismissive attachment style is often characterized by a strong emphasis on independence and self-reliance.

Individuals with this style may feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may pull away when relationships begin to feel more serious or vulnerable. They may avoid deeper conversations or have difficulty expressing emotions, even if they care about the relationship.
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This is not a lack of feeling, but rather a protective pattern that keeps emotional distance.

Fearful-Avoidant / Disorganized Attachment

Fearful-avoidant, also known as disorganized attachment, includes a mix of both anxious and avoidant patterns.

There is often a push and pull dynamic—wanting closeness and connection, while also feeling unsure, overwhelmed, or fearful of it. This can show up as inconsistency in relationships, where someone may seek connection one moment and withdraw the next.
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This pattern can feel confusing and difficult to navigate, both internally and within relationships.

Why do Attachment Styles Matter?

Understanding your attachment style can help explain certain patterns you notice in
relationships. You may begin to recognize why you react strongly in certain situations, why some interactions feel more triggering, or why you respond the way you do when you feel disconnected.

It also helps reduce self-blame. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” you can begin to understand where these patterns may have developed.

Can Attachment Styles Change?

Yes. Attachment styles are not permanent.

With awareness and intentional effort, it is possible to move toward more secure patterns. This can happen through therapy, supportive relationships, and practicing new ways of communicating and responding.

Small shifts, such as expressing your needs, setting boundaries, or staying present in moments that feel uncomfortable, can lead to meaningful change over time.

A More Intentional Way to Connect

Attachment styles are not about placing yourself into a category. They are a way to better understand how you relate to others and how you can create healthier, more balanced connections.

The more awareness you have, the more choice you gain in how you respond.
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And that awareness is where change begins.