How to Get the Spark Back in Your Relationship

How to Get the Spark Back in Your Relationship

by Candyce Young, MSEd, MHC-LP

As you sit on the couch unwinding in the evening, scrolling on social media, you come across a photo posted by one of your friends.  “Wow! Look at that! Another happy couple!” you think to yourself, noticing feelings of sadness, envy, anger, and/or jealousy. Although you know your friend meant no harm to you by posting her photos, it can be painful to see photos of “happy couples” while you feel that your relationship is doomed. Thoughts intrude and increase regarding your own relationship, which you have felt concerned about for some time. No matter how much you and your partner say you will try to “do different”, it doesn’t seem to get better.
If you reach out to friends to share your frustration and anxiety about your relationship, your friends respond with “Don’t worry, if you both put in the work your relationship can be exciting and enjoyable again.” These words, though meant to be helpful, can feel vague and lack direction, which can further increase your frustration!

Common Questions about Saving Your Relationship

• What should "the work" look like?
• How long should "the work" take?
• Where should we start?
• What actions will help us save our relationship?
• Is all of this bogus? Is the relationship doomed?
• How do I know if it is too late?
• Do we need to see a therapist to help us?
• Is there a magical self-help book that will save us?

The key to start on the path of rekindling the flame is getting back to having fun together. Yes, rekindling can involve fun in the sheets, but it can also involve changing of your daily routine and enjoying each other's company. Think of this: even though relationships often involve sexual intimacy, they are most often built primarily on an amazing friendship. Unfortunately, this friendship can get off track as time continues, especially as a couple goes through life transitions (both as individuals and together). Read on for some helpful tips on things you can do to reconnect.

Interested in learning more about Couples Counseling? Check out our service page here.

3 Easy Ways to Reconnect with Your Partner

1. No Cell Phone Night: ​This sounds so simple but in 2024 this can be a hard task. Put it on silent, do not disturb - whatever it takes but it needs to be out of sight and out of mind. Make a commitment to try this once, and then build it into a more frequent practice. Remember, this can be really challenging, so support one another through it. Chances are, once you are having fun together you won’t think much of your phone! If a full night of no cell phone feels overwhelming, begin with an hour and build up from there.

2. Build in "Casual Intimacy": Intimacy does not only involve bedroom fun. This means getting back to hugging or kissing when greeting one another or when departing for work. This can also involve sitting closer together on the couch and letting your legs touch, or maybe staying in bed on Sunday morning for some cuddles. The sense of touch is powerful when it comes to feeling connected, as oxytocin (the “bonding hormone”) is released. Bonus: the release of oxytocin triggers the release of other feel-good hormones! 

3. Planning a Date Night: No matter how long you have been together and what stage of life you are in, couples need alone time. So find the babysitter and engage in an activity that involves action and interaction! Think of activities that you used to enjoy together in the past (if those are still available to you). Try to make sure that it is something that you are able to converse with one another during. For example, going to see a movie can be fun, however you aren’t able to talk with your partner while you are watching the movie. 

What are some date night ideas that can help me reconnect with my partner?

Here are some ideas for dates:

• Axe-throwing
• Bowling
• Going for a walk at a local park/preserve
• Dancing
• Take a cooking or art class together

How can I make my date night feel special at home?

Unable to get out of the house? Consider ways to designate a “date night” at home. Make sure there is something different about it than what you usually do (for example, don’t just continue watching the same tv show you have been watching together):

• Play a card/board/video game together
• Make a fancy meal together
• Make art together
• Create a playlist together
• Wine and cheese tasting
• At-home spa date 

I know you're probably thinking, well that's all too easy. Well, complete all 3 and then measure the flame between you both. It may take time, but it will be well worth it!
Who knows, your relationship could be the next candid moment of a Happy Couple!

About the Author

Candyce Young, MSEd, MHC-LP is a clinician at Healing & Growth Counseling, providing individual and couples therapy to clients throughout the state of New York via online therapy. Candyce grew to love working with couples as early as her days of internship. Candyce shares:"The best part about couples work is witnessing the commitment each partner is willing to give to rebuild the relationship. As a clinician in a long term relationship it resonates with me around the idea of wanting to rekindle the love." One of Candyce's favorite activities to help jumpstart rekindling is to have couples take on a new adventure. The type of adventure depends on the couple and each partner's comfort level. A physical challenge can range from going on a slightly more challenging hike to trying a new sport to deep sea diving. A less physical challenge can range from playing a more challenging game to visiting a new place to learning a new language. The key to rekindling the relationship is finding an adventure you will do together and doing something you both have never done.

Interested in learning more about Candyce? Check out her bio here.

Interested in scheduling an appointment for Couples Counseling in New York? Call us at (516) 406-8991 or fill out our contact form here.