Gaslighting: What it Really Is (and Why theTerm is Often Misused)

by Talia Bina

Gaslighting: What it Really Is (and Why the Term is Often Misused)

Gaslighting has become a widely used term online, often applied to any situation where someone feels dismissed, disagreed with, or misunderstood. But clinically and psychologically, gaslighting is more specific than that—and understanding the difference matters.

At its core, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone systematically causes another person to doubt their perception of reality, memory, or sanity. Over time, this can lead a person to question what they saw, felt, or experienced, even when their original perception was accurate.
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It is not simply disagreement. It is not someone having a different perspective. And it is not every invalidating comment. Gaslighting is a pattern of repeated reality distortion paired with power or control dynamics.

What Gaslighting Actually Looks Like

Gaslighting tends to involve patterns such as:

• Denying events that clearly happened (“That never happened.”)
• Rewriting shared experiences (“You’re remembering it wrong.”)
• Minimizing emotional responses (“You’re too sensitive.”)
• Shifting blame in ways that distort reality
• Insisting someone is “confused,” “crazy,” or “overreacting” when they are responding appropriately

Over time, the impact is not just emotional—it is cognitive. The person begins to second-guess themselves, rely heavily on the other person’s version of events, and lose trust in their own internal signals.
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This is what makes gaslighting particularly destabilizing: it targets a person’s sense of reality and self-trust.

Why Gaslighting is Often Linked to Narcissistic Abuse

Gaslighting is commonly discussed in the context of narcissistic abuse, not because all narcissistic traits automatically involve gaslighting, but because certain abusive relational patterns can include it as a control strategy.

In narcissistic abuse dynamics, gaslighting may function to:

• maintain power in the relationship
• avoid accountability
• preserve a preferred self-image
• destabilize the other person’s confidence and autonomy

Over time, the relationship can become centered around one person defining reality, while the other increasingly doubts their own.

Importantly, not every conflict with a narcissistic or emotionally immature person is gaslighting. 
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The key distinction is pattern, intent (conscious or unconscious), and the erosion of reality testing over time.

Gaslighting vs. Normal Conflict

One reason the term is being overused is because it gets confused with normal relational disagreement.
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Healthy conflict may involve:

• different memories of an event
• emotional misattunement
• misunderstanding intentions
• repair after conflict

Gaslighting, on the other hand, is not about resolving differences—it is about distorting reality in a way that benefits one person’s control, often at the expense of another’s sense of self.

The Psychological Impact of Gaslighting

When gaslighting is chronic, it can lead to:

• self-doubt and confusion
• difficulty trusting one’s memory or perception
• anxiety in decision-making
• dependence on external validation
• loss of confidence in emotional responses
• identity confusion over time

In many cases, people don’t realize how deeply they’ve been impacted until they are out of the environment.

Why the Term "Gaslighting" Matters

Using the word “gaslighting” accurately is important because it preserves the seriousness of what it actually is. When everything becomes gaslighting, the term loses meaning—and people who are genuinely experiencing psychological manipulation may feel less certain about naming it.
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At the same time, learning the concept can be validating for those who have experienced long-term reality distortion in relationships where their perceptions were repeatedly dismissed or rewritten.

A Quick Check: Is it Gaslighting?

A helpful question is:

“Is my reality being misunderstood in this moment—or consistently being rewritten?”

​That distinction often separates normal relational conflict from something more concerning.

Talia Bina, MSEd, MPhil, MHC-LP is a clinician at Healing & Growth Counseling who specializes in working with individuals who have experienced gaslighting and narcissistic abuse. She works with her clients to provide validation and to untangle the complex web of emotions that can be caused by gaslighting.

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