Effective Communication: Choose your Priority

Effective Communication: Choose your Priority

by Cindy Zabinski, LMHC, LCMHC, CRC, ACS

Have you ever been in conversation and been unsure of what to say next? Felt that the conversation flowed well, but you didn't feel that it had the outcome that you had hoped or planned for? I have worked with many clients who have answered "YES!" to one or both of these questions! Clients may still struggle in conversations even after they have learned many healthy communication skills, such as non-verbal skills, "I" statements, and feelings statements.
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In working with these individuals, it became apparent that the common concern was not having a clear priority in the conversation. Conversations can become muddled and lack direction if one is not mindful of their priority in having it. Let's explore three possible priorities that conversations can serve:

Getting What I Want

A common focus of conversations is to ask someone for something, or to respond to someone's request of us. Consider some of the following examples:

• Asking your spouse to stop and pick up milk on the way home from work.
• Asking the babysitter if she can babysit on Friday so that you can attend a hair appointment.
• Requesting that your co-worker share their portion of the project with you by Thursday so that you are prepared for your work meeting next Monday.
• Letting your mother know that you cannot attend the event at her house because your kids have soccer practice at that time.
• Telling your neighbor that you are available to help her with moving some furniture tomorrow.​​

Building the Relationship

Relationships are important for our mental health. Humans are wired to be interactive and engaged with others. We see positive spikes in neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin (happy chemicals!) when we are connecting with others, promoting positive and enjoyable feelings. For these reasons, our purpose in conversing with others can also be with the priority of building and maintaining our relationship with them. Here are some examples in which this might be the priority:

• Talking with your friend about her promotion at work.
• Listening to a sibling vent about struggles in her romantic relationship.
• Visiting a new mom and helping her with household tasks in the early days of having a newborn.

When we are engaging in conversation with someone with the priority of building and maintaining the relationship, we pay careful attention to the needs of the other person (of course not to the point of sacrificing our own values!). We use active listening, which includes non-verbal skills of nodding and leaning into the conversation. We provide validation and support. 

Building my Self Esteem

Sometimes, putting our self-esteem comes first. Having a voice and exercising that voice can be an important part of building a healthy self-esteem. Here are some examples in which this may be the priority:

• Sharing with a new partner your values and beliefs.
• Participating in a deep conversation with a friend about your feelings on a particular topic.
• Setting a healthy boundary with a co-worker.​

Putting it Together: Choose 1!

Now that you are aware of the three main focus areas of conversations, here comes the challenge. Before going into conversations, make a decision: which focus is the priority? This will help you to focus on what is most important as you start the conversation. Along the way, should you start to feel lost or like the conversation is not going as planned, you can reconnect with your priority to help assist in deciding which communication skills to use next.

Let's go through a couple of examples to see this skill in action:

Example 1: Claudia

Claudia is a married mother of two who was invited by her mother to a BBQ at her mother's house this weekend. Claudia had already purchased tickets to a concert on the same day with her family at the local performing arts center, which her children are especially excited about. Before calling her mother back, she considers the priority of her conversation:

• Claudia feels that her relationship with her mother is secure and that her mother will be understanding if she declines the invitation. This promotes her to feel that the priority is not to maintain or build the relationship.
• Claudia does not feel that her self-esteem is a priority in this situation.
• Claudia is aware of her and her family's desire to attend the concert, so getting what she wants is the priority of the conversation.

Claudia then decides to call her mother back and politely decline the invitation using her "I" statements and feelings statements.

Example 2: Jake

Jake is an employee at a new up-and-coming company. He is excited to be on the forefront of this new company, which only has a few employees currently. Jake is trying to plan a vacation with his partner in a few weeks, and is planning to approach his boss to request the time off. In considering his priority in this conversation:

• Building the relationship is a priority, as he is new with the company and wants to be a part of it long-term.
• Self-esteem is somewhat important, as he wants to stand up for himself, however he does not feel that it is a priority in this situation.
• In terms of getting what he wants, he recognizes that he and his partner have flexibility in their timeline of when they take their trip, so he has the ability to compromise.

Considering this, Jake goes into the conversation with his boss being sure to prioritize building the relationship, even if that means that he has to shift the vacation plans.

What about Digital Communication?

Nowadays, a LOT of communication happens digitally, such as by email, text message, or via social media. Can these skills also be used in these situations? Of course!

As you start your text/email/post, consider your priority. This may impact your wording, use of bold/capital letters/italics, and even your use of emojis or GIFs! Who is your communication directed to? What is your priority? Once you are finished drafting the message, read it back to yourself. If you were in the reader's shoes, would you have the same feeling/thought that you were trying to communicate? 

One of the benefits of electronic communication is that you have the opportunity to pause and think about, as well as re-read, your message before sending. This allows additional assistance with using these skills and increased time to pause and consider how you want to communicate between messages. One challenge of electronic communication is that the person reading it is not able to hear your volume or tone, or see your body language and facial expressions, which could lead to understanding your message differently than you intended it. As you re-read the message before sending, consider different ways that it could be interpreted, and if you fear it could be mis-read, consider having the conversation verbally instead.

About the Author

Cindy Zabinski, LMHC, LCMHC, CRC, ACS is the founder and owner of Healing & Growth Counseling. Her extensive experience in both agency work and private practice has led to her noticing trends in concerns that clients bring in to their therapy sessions, including this blog topic about priorities in conversations. She hopes that this blog post can help readers learn an access this knowledge to better help them engage in effective and enjoyable conversations with others.

Interested in learning more about Cindy? Check out her Bio page on our website here.

Struggling with communication in relationships? Check out our Couple Counseling service page here.

Interested in scheduling an initial appointment to work towards your goals? Call us at (516) 406-8991 or fill out our Contact Form here.