by Fallon Panetta, MS, MHC-LP Understanding Attachment Styles and How They Show Up in RelationshipsThe way we connect with others isn’t random. It is shaped over time, often beginning in early relationships with caregivers. These experiences help form what are known as attachment styles, which influence how we think, feel, and behave in close relationships. Attachment styles are not labels or fixed traits. They are patterns that can shift over time with awareness, experience, and support. What are Attachment Styles?Attachment styles describe how we respond to closeness, trust, and emotional connection. They often become more noticeable in relationships where we feel vulnerable or emotionally invested. There are four main attachment styles: • Secure • Anxious-Preoccupied • Avoidant-Dismissive • Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized Each one reflects a different way of managing connection and emotional needs. Secure AttachmentA secure attachment style allows for both closeness and independence. Individuals with a secure style tend to feel comfortable trusting others and being trusted in return. They are generally able to communicate their needs clearly and respond to others in a balanced way. They can handle conflict without becoming overwhelmed and are able to maintain emotional stability within relationships. While no relationship is perfect, there is a sense of flexibility, safety, and mutual understanding. Anxious-Preoccupied AttachmentAn anxious-preoccupied attachment style is often marked by a strong desire for closeness paired with a fear of rejection or abandonment. Someone with this style may overthink interactions, seek frequent reassurance, or feel unsure about where they stand in a relationship. Their mood may shift based on how others respond to them, and they may be highly sensitive to changes in communication or attention. This can lead to patterns of overanalyzing, needing validation, or feeling easily hurt when expectations are not met. Avoidant-Dismissive AttachmentAn avoidant-dismissive attachment style is often characterized by a strong emphasis on independence and self-reliance. Individuals with this style may feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may pull away when relationships begin to feel more serious or vulnerable. They may avoid deeper conversations or have difficulty expressing emotions, even if they care about the relationship. This is not a lack of feeling, but rather a protective pattern that keeps emotional distance.  Fearful-Avoidant / Disorganized AttachmentFearful-avoidant, also known as disorganized attachment, includes a mix of both anxious and avoidant patterns. There is often a push and pull dynamic—wanting closeness and connection, while also feeling unsure, overwhelmed, or fearful of it. This can show up as inconsistency in relationships, where someone may seek connection one moment and withdraw the next. This pattern can feel confusing and difficult to navigate, both internally and within relationships. Why do Attachment Styles Matter?Understanding your attachment style can help explain certain patterns you notice in relationships. You may begin to recognize why you react strongly in certain situations, why some interactions feel more triggering, or why you respond the way you do when you feel disconnected. It also helps reduce self-blame. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” you can begin to understand where these patterns may have developed. Can Attachment Styles Change?Yes. Attachment styles are not permanent. With awareness and intentional effort, it is possible to move toward more secure patterns. This can happen through therapy, supportive relationships, and practicing new ways of communicating and responding. Small shifts, such as expressing your needs, setting boundaries, or staying present in moments that feel uncomfortable, can lead to meaningful change over time.  A More Intentional Way to ConnectAttachment styles are not about placing yourself into a category. They are a way to better understand how you relate to others and how you can create healthier, more balanced connections.
The more awareness you have, the more choice you gain in how you respond. And that awareness is where change begins. How to Navigate Narcissistic or Emotionally Immature Family Members During the Holidaysby Talia Bina, MSEd, MPhil, MHC-LPThe holidays often come with cozy music, twinkling lights, and the excitement of gift-giving. But they also come with extended time spent with family — something that’s isn’t always as joyful as it looks. For those with narcissistic or emotionally immature family members, gatherings can be draining, triggering, and full of unsolicited advice, criticism, guilt-tripping, or passive-aggressive behavior. While there’s no perfect formula for navigating these dynamics, there are ways to protect yourself, reduce harm, and maintain some peace. 1. Set clear, realistic expectationsDuring the holidays, we may crave connection and love even more, especially as cold weather and winter blues settle in. But the holidays don’t magically change someone’s narcissistic or emotionally immature traits. It’s important to manage your inner hope for change and balance it with reminding yourself of who people consistently show themselves to be. Expectations are okay — but make sure they’re realistic. For example, you may hope your narcissistic parent will notice your favorite gift on your wish list, but they might hand you something completely different. Recognizing their emotional limitations helps reduce disappointment and frustration. This doesn’t make you cynical — it makes you prepared.  2. Keep your time limitedYou are allowed to shorten your exposure. Arrive later, leave earlier, or schedule breaks. You don’t owe anyone unlimited access to your time or energy. It can help to track patterns. Notice when you start feeling emotionally drained and how long the exposure lasted. Maybe arguments or tension tend to flare up after dessert, or after certain topics come up. When you recognize these patterns, you can plan in advance — excuse yourself before the trigger moments and preserve your peace. 3. Use emotional boundaries, not just physical onesPhysical boundaries are important, but emotional boundaries are just as vital. Circumstances may prevent you from being able to avoid the person entirely, but you can avoid engaging in ways that drain you. Try setting boundaries like:
4. Avoid over-explainingNarcissistic or emotionally immature people often use your explanations as material for debate or to manipulate guilt. You are not obligated to justify your decisions, actions, or perspectives to anyone. Simple, firm statements are often more effective than long explanations:
 5. Have an exit strategyKnowing you can leave reduces anxiety. Plan ahead: drive yourself if possible, arrange a check-in call with a friend, or set a clear, time-based reason to leave. Even having a “backup plan” if the situation becomes intolerable gives you control. It’s not about avoiding responsibility — it’s about preserving your well-being. Your presence isn’t a requirement for anyone else’s comfort, and leaving when needed is an act of self-care. 6. Prioritize your nervous systemYour nervous system is your ally, not something to ignore. Take breaks when needed: step outside, stretch, breathe deeply, go for a short walk, or practice grounding exercises. Feeling anxious, triggered, or drained doesn’t make you “too sensitive” — it makes you human. Recognizing when you need to regulate and actually doing it is wise, not weak. 7. Give yourself permission to grieve what isn'tIt’s painful when family members cannot show up in the ways we wish. You are allowed to feel sadness, anger, disappointment, or even relief — without guilt or self-shaming. Acknowledging these feelings is not ungrateful; it’s honest. Grieving what isn’t — the care, understanding, or validation that never comes — allows you to emotionally separate from unhealthy expectations and protect yourself in future interactions. 8. Create your own meaning of the holidaysEven if family dynamics are hard, you can create rituals that feel safe and comforting to you. Bake a favorite dessert, watch a beloved movie, make a small altar of gratitude, or connect with friends who feel like chosen family. You get to decide what joy looks like for you, even if it doesn’t involve everyone around the table. Your holidays can be meaningful, even on your own terms. 9. Accept guilt, but don't let it control youYou may feel guilt — and it doesn’t always come from inside you. Sometimes it comes from the “enablers” in the family: the ones who say things like, “But that’s your mom,” “They’re still your family,” or “Just forgive and forget.” You’re allowed to acknowledge the guilt without letting it dictate your behavior. Guilt often shows up because of empathy. You feel bad doing anything that looks “unkind” or “cold.” But protecting yourself isn’t cruelty — it’s self-respect. It’s self-care. Boundaries are not punishment. They’re protection. You’re not trying to hurt anyone; you’re trying to keep yourself emotionally safe. In those moments, it can help to gently remind yourself: Yes, they are technically family. But I also know how family should treat me, and this isn’t it. And because of that, I’m allowed to protect myself. You are not heartless. You are not selfish. You are responding appropriately to unhealthy behavior — and that’s something you deserve permission to do.  Talia is a clinician at Healing & Growth Counseling and has a passion for working with clients who have narcissistic and emotionally immature parents. She uses a culturally sensitive, trauma-informed lens, combining cognitive-behavioral and psychodynamic approaches in meeting clients where they are and helping them to move past their past, cope with their present, and step towards their future. Interested in learning more about Talia? Check out her bio here. Interested in scheduling an appointment with Talia?
Call us at (516) 406-8991 Fill out our Contact Form Use our new online portal to view availability and request a specific appointment time with Talia Effective Communication: Choose your Priorityby Cindy Zabinski, LMHC, LCMHC, CRC, ACSHave you ever been in conversation and been unsure of what to say next? Felt that the conversation flowed well, but you didn't feel that it had the outcome that you had hoped or planned for? I have worked with many clients who have answered "YES!" to one or both of these questions! Clients may still struggle in conversations even after they have learned many healthy communication skills, such as non-verbal skills, "I" statements, and feelings statements. In working with these individuals, it became apparent that the common concern was not having a clear priority in the conversation. Conversations can become muddled and lack direction if one is not mindful of their priority in having it. Let's explore three possible priorities that conversations can serve:  Getting What I WantA common focus of conversations is to ask someone for something, or to respond to someone's request of us. Consider some of the following examples:
 Building the RelationshipRelationships are important for our mental health. Humans are wired to be interactive and engaged with others. We see positive spikes in neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin (happy chemicals!) when we are connecting with others, promoting positive and enjoyable feelings. For these reasons, our purpose in conversing with others can also be with the priority of building and maintaining our relationship with them. Here are some examples in which this might be the priority:
 Building my Self EsteemSometimes, putting our self-esteem comes first. Having a voice and exercising that voice can be an important part of building a healthy self-esteem. Here are some examples in which this may be the priority:
Putting it Together: Choose 1!Now that you are aware of the three main focus areas of conversations, here comes the challenge. Before going into conversations, make a decision: which focus is the priority? This will help you to focus on what is most important as you start the conversation. Along the way, should you start to feel lost or like the conversation is not going as planned, you can reconnect with your priority to help assist in deciding which communication skills to use next. Let's go through a couple of examples to see this skill in action: Example 1: ClaudiaClaudia is a married mother of two who was invited by her mother to a BBQ at her mother's house this weekend. Claudia had already purchased tickets to a concert on the same day with her family at the local performing arts center, which her children are especially excited about. Before calling her mother back, she considers the priority of her conversation:
Example 2: JakeJake is an employee at a new up-and-coming company. He is excited to be on the forefront of this new company, which only has a few employees currently. Jake is trying to plan a vacation with his partner in a few weeks, and is planning to approach his boss to request the time off. In considering his priority in this conversation:
 What about Digital Communication?Nowadays, a LOT of communication happens digitally, such as by email, text message, or via social media. Can these skills also be used in these situations? Of course! As you start your text/email/post, consider your priority. This may impact your wording, use of bold/capital letters/italics, and even your use of emojis or GIFs! Who is your communication directed to? What is your priority? Once you are finished drafting the message, read it back to yourself. If you were in the reader's shoes, would you have the same feeling/thought that you were trying to communicate? One of the benefits of electronic communication is that you have the opportunity to pause and think about, as well as re-read, your message before sending. This allows additional assistance with using these skills and increased time to pause and consider how you want to communicate between messages. One challenge of electronic communication is that the person reading it is not able to hear your volume or tone, or see your body language and facial expressions, which could lead to understanding your message differently than you intended it. As you re-read the message before sending, consider different ways that it could be interpreted, and if you fear it could be mis-read, consider having the conversation verbally instead. About the AuthorCindy Zabinski, LMHC, LCMHC, CRC, ACS is the founder and owner of Healing & Growth Counseling. Her extensive experience in both agency work and private practice has led to her noticing trends in concerns that clients bring in to their therapy sessions, including this blog topic about priorities in conversations. She hopes that this blog post can help readers learn an access this knowledge to better help them engage in effective and enjoyable conversations with others. Interested in learning more about Cindy? Check out her Bio page on our website here. Struggling with communication in relationships? Check out our Couple Counseling service page here. Interested in scheduling an initial appointment to work towards your goals? Call us at (516) 406-8991 or fill out our Contact Form here.
What is the Meaning of Healthy Communication?by Heather DeGuire, MHC-LPCommunication is the imparting or exchange of information or news. There are different characteristics of communication. Some are: body language, tone of voice, eye contact, and boundary level. Take a moment and consider this: How do you express your emotions and ideas with others?  Communication shapes our experiences with others based on how we verbalize our needs and emotions. Depending on how emotions are verbalized or boundaries are set can totally change the path of a conversation. This could result in a disagreement if another person misinterprets the information you are conveying because of the tone and deliverance of communication used. When you are communicating socially with others your tone and deliverance should match your intentions. Interpersonal v. Intrapersonal CommunicationCommunication comes in different forms; you have external communication and internal communication. Internal communication is the form of communication used most often throughout the day. This form of communication is called intrapersonal communication; it is the internal dialogue in your mind that you use before you engage in social interaction with others. The intrapersonal communication is the self-talk that guides your interpersonal communication socially. Interpersonal communication is the exchange of information between one or more people. It is done typically by speaking, but can also be done in writing. We often engage in interpersonal communication with many people daily, including family, friends, co-workers, and strangers.  How to Use Assertive CommunicationAssertive communication skills allow you the ability to assertively express feelings and needs without being critical or judgmental of the other person. Assertive communication skills can help with regulating your emotions during social interactions with others. If the communication used towards others sounds critical or blaming it is more likely that the other person will respond with defensiveness. This results in the message being misinterpreted and the other person becoming argumentative, which is most likely not the response that you are hoping for. I-StatementsAn I-Statement is an assertive communication skill that provides the person with a simple way of speaking about their feelings and emotions without appearing critical or judgmental. First, be sure that your intrapersonal communication is neutral/positive before engaging (this will positively influence your use of communication skills with others). As you are expressing your thoughts and feelings with the other person, be sure to start your statements with the word "I". When we use "You" to start our statements, it can often be mis-interpreted as finger-pointing or blaming. Keeping it in the "I" makes sure that the speaker is the subject of the sentence. The other person is more likely to engage in a constructive conversation when I-Statements are used. The reason for developing strong assertive communication skills is to help you regulate your emotions while navigating through difficult social interactions that are being influenced by a person’s internal (intrapersonal) communication. This assertive communication skill of I-statements allows you to describe your thoughts and feelings without blaming or being critical of the other person. Developing assertive communication skills can be challenging. Take some time to reflect on your intrapersonal and interpersonal communication, and take small steps towards incorporating assertive communication skills in your day to day life. You can work towards this goal with a friend or family member, giving each other tips and encouragement along the way!  About the AuthorHeather DeGuire, MA, MHC-LP is a clinician at Healing & Growth Counseling. Heather works with adolescents and adults, both individually and as couples, on assertive communication. Heather is a big believer in working on intrapersonal communication with clients, as she sees many client struggle with the way in which they speak to themselves, which then impacts their communication style with others. She regularly teaches assertive communication skills to clients and helps them to incorporate them into their daily lives. Interested in learning more about Heather? Read her bio here. Interested in scheduling an appointment with Heather? Call us at (516) 406-8991 or fill out our Contact Form here.
How to Get the Spark Back in Your Relationshipby Candyce Young, MSEd, MHC-LP As you sit on the couch unwinding in the evening, scrolling on social media, you come across a photo posted by one of your friends. “Wow! Look at that! Another happy couple!” you think to yourself, noticing feelings of sadness, envy, anger, and/or jealousy. Although you know your friend meant no harm to you by posting her photos, it can be painful to see photos of “happy couples” while you feel that your relationship is doomed. Thoughts intrude and increase regarding your own relationship, which you have felt concerned about for some time. No matter how much you and your partner say you will try to “do different”, it doesn’t seem to get better. If you reach out to friends to share your frustration and anxiety about your relationship, your friends respond with “Don’t worry, if you both put in the work your relationship can be exciting and enjoyable again.” These words, though meant to be helpful, can feel vague and lack direction, which can further increase your frustration! Common Questions about Saving Your Relationship
The key to start on the path of rekindling the flame is getting back to having fun together. Yes, rekindling can involve fun in the sheets, but it can also involve changing of your daily routine and enjoying each other's company. Think of this: even though relationships often involve sexual intimacy, they are most often built primarily on an amazing friendship. Unfortunately, this friendship can get off track as time continues, especially as a couple goes through life transitions (both as individuals and together). Read on for some helpful tips on things you can do to reconnect. 3 Easy Ways to Reconnect with Your Partner1. No Cell Phone Night: This sounds so simple but in 2024 this can be a hard task. Put it on silent, do not disturb - whatever it takes but it needs to be out of sight and out of mind. Make a commitment to try this once, and then build it into a more frequent practice. Remember, this can be really challenging, so support one another through it. Chances are, once you are having fun together you won’t think much of your phone! If a full night of no cell phone feels overwhelming, begin with an hour and build up from there. 2. Build in "Casual Intimacy": Intimacy does not only involve bedroom fun. This means getting back to hugging or kissing when greeting one another or when departing for work. This can also involve sitting closer together on the couch and letting your legs touch, or maybe staying in bed on Sunday morning for some cuddles. The sense of touch is powerful when it comes to feeling connected, as oxytocin (the “bonding hormone”) is released. Bonus: the release of oxytocin triggers the release of other feel-good hormones! 3. Planning a Date Night: No matter how long you have been together and what stage of life you are in, couples need alone time. So find the babysitter and engage in an activity that involves action and interaction! Think of activities that you used to enjoy together in the past (if those are still available to you). Try to make sure that it is something that you are able to converse with one another during. For example, going to see a movie can be fun, however you aren’t able to talk with your partner while you are watching the movie. What are some date night ideas that can help me reconnect with my partner?Here are some ideas for dates:
How can I make my date night feel special at home?Unable to get out of the house? Consider ways to designate a “date night” at home. Make sure there is something different about it than what you usually do (for example, don’t just continue watching the same tv show you have been watching together):
I know you're probably thinking, well that's all too easy. Well, complete all 3 and then measure the flame between you both. It may take time, but it will be well worth it! Who knows, your relationship could be the next candid moment of a Happy Couple!  About the AuthorCandyce Young, MSEd, MHC-LP is a clinician at Healing & Growth Counseling, providing individual and couples therapy to clients throughout the state of New York via online therapy. Candyce grew to love working with couples as early as her days of internship. Candyce shares:"The best part about couples work is witnessing the commitment each partner is willing to give to rebuild the relationship. As a clinician in a long term relationship it resonates with me around the idea of wanting to rekindle the love." One of Candyce's favorite activities to help jumpstart rekindling is to have couples take on a new adventure. The type of adventure depends on the couple and each partner's comfort level. A physical challenge can range from going on a slightly more challenging hike to trying a new sport to deep sea diving. A less physical challenge can range from playing a more challenging game to visiting a new place to learning a new language. The key to rekindling the relationship is finding an adventure you will do together and doing something you both have never done. Interested in learning more about Candyce? Check out her bio here. Interested in scheduling an appointment for Couples Counseling in New York? Call us at (516) 406-8991 or fill out our contact form here.
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Healing & Growth Counseling
4770 Sunrise Highway, Suite 102
Massapequa Park, NY 11762
(516) 406-8991
4770 Sunrise Highway, Suite 102
Massapequa Park, NY 11762
(516) 406-8991