When the Next Feels Empty: Coping with Your Children Leaving Homeby Cindy Zabinski, LMHC, LCMHC, CRC, ACSThe process of becoming a mother and parent involves many identity shifts. Time that was once spent enjoying hobbies and spending time with friends may shift to spending time with family and caring for children. Over the years as young children grow, the role of parents and mothers may shift slightly, from changing diapers to driving kids to soccer practice to making sure they finished their homework, however a lot of time is still spent in the role of parent. Then, one day, as the children are old enough to establish further independence, they choose to go away to college or to enter the workforce. They may choose to move into an apartment, college dorm, or house. This can feel like an abrupt change, going from having your child home with you to having them live somewhere else. An experience known as empty nest syndrome can leave parents, especially mothers, struggling with difficult emotions and thoughts. In this article we will explore some of the signs, symptoms, and ways to help you through this period.  Is it normal to have an emotional response to my children leaving home?The quick answer to this question is: Yes! It is normal to have many different emotions when a child leaves home, whether for college, work, or independence. This process triggers a major shift in a family's dynamics. Feelings may include: guilt, loneliness, grief, anxiety, worry, confusion, and more. Let's explore some of the common feelings shared by mothers here: Empty Nester GuiltAs your child moves forward into new chapters of life, they may share with you the ups, the downs, and the challenges that they experience. You may find yourself feeling guilty for not being there with them to overcome the challenges. You may review your parenting methods over the years with a magnifying glass, overanalyzing and criticizing decisions that you made along the way, leading to feelings of regret and guilt. Empty Nester LonelinessThe more people that you have living in your home, the less likely you are to have time to yourself in your home. Life with children living at home provides many distractions and often keeps you busy. When a child leaves home, this may leave you without distraction and without constant socialization. This could leave you feeling lonely. Even the absence of hearing their music playing from their bedroom, or the TV on in the den, can feel empty. Empty Nester GriefWhen one has children, part of their identity becomes that of a parent. This part of their identity grows and develops as their children age. When a child leaves home, there may be a feeling of loss of this part of you, which can lead to feelings of grief. Empty Nester Anxiety & WorryWhen children leave home, you may find yourself often worrying about them. You may not know as often where they are or what they are doing as you did when they were at home. Brief worry thoughts may come to mind, and this could also worsen and overtake your thoughts throughout the day. Empty Nester ConfusionIn once again thinking of your identity, the change in your role of parent may have you feeling lost or empty. Because the parent part of one's identity often takes up a lot of space in life, it may take some time to reconnect with parts of yourself that had been on the back-burner for many years.  Why am I struggling so much with my children leaving home?Though all parents can experience difficult feelings related to the empty nest transition, women tend to feel the impact of this more deeply. Several things may contribute to this: Cultural and Societal RolesSociety continues to place a lot of emphasis on the identity of mother when it comes to women. Though shifts in this have been seen in recent years, mothers continue to bear the greatest expectation of being the primary caretakers of children. Time spent as caregiverEspecially for those who stay-at-home or work part-time while having children living at home, a large percentage of hours are spent in the role of mother. Driving children to activities, planning meals, assisting with homework, providing emotional support, and assisting with activities of daily living lead to a feeling of loss or emptiness when that is no longer needed to that same extent. Hormonal changesFor many women, around the time when empty nesting occurs, hormonal changes of perimenopause or menopause are also occurring. Going through these hormonal changes can trigger mood fluctuation and emotional reactions, which can further exacerbate symptoms of empty nesting. Should I be concerned about my mental health?The signs and symptoms listed in this article are normal for those going through the empty nesting process. It is ok to feel sad or off-balance for a little while. It is good to be aware of your emotions and feelings, and to notice whether they are intensifying or if you are starting to feel some relief. If symptoms continue to intensify, it could lead to more serious mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety. If you start to notice that your symptoms start to really interfere with your daily life it is important to seek professional support. Here are some signs and symptoms that may be cause for concern of a more serious mental health issue:
 How do I move forward in this?Know that everyone's process of healing and growing through the empty nesting process looks different. Here I will share some ideas that may be helpful to your process: Give yourself permission to feelAllow yourself to feel. By trying to ignore and avoid feelings they will only build up inside, which could have other negative effects on your mind and body. Here are some ideas that can help you to create some space for your feelings:
Reconnect with your identityConsider activities and hobbies that you enjoyed prior to having children. Were there passions that you put on hold due to your role as a mother? Are there things that you had wanted to learn or try but couldn't because of your life being so busy? Now is the time to reconnect with past hobbies and also explore new ones! Practice reframing your thoughtsIt is easy to fall into the negative view that your role as a mother is over once your children leave home. Quite the contrary, actually. Your role as a mother is evolving, shifting into something new. It is likely that your children will continue to reach out to you in different ways as they grow. By reframing thoughts of your role as mother ending to that it is evolving, that may help you to increase hope. Focus on strengthening other relationshipsWith the additional time that you have as your children leave home, consider spending more time in relationships that may have been neglected in the past. Connect with your partner, reconnect with friends, and consider making new connections. Connections can also be made related to hobbies that you enjoy, which helps you to continue exploring your identity as it changes. Consider counseling or support groupsSpeaking with a therapist can help you to identify and process difficult and painful feelings that may arise as you are going through the empty nesting transition. You can work with a therapist to identify and work towards goals that help you develop and embrace your changing identity. Support groups can also be beneficial, as they allow you to meet with other women who are experiencing similar struggles and feelings. A support group would allow you to receive support from several people at once, and hear ideas of things that have been helpful to others going through the process. Remember, empty nest syndrome and struggles are normal and commonly experienced among mothers. You don't have to feel alone in what you are experiencing. About the AuthorCindy Zabinski, LMHC, LCMHC, CRC, ACS is the founder and owner of Healing & Growth Counseling. Cindy has worked with many women who have gone through the process of empty nesting, and recognizes is as a common cause for difficult emotions and struggles. Cindy hopes that mothers can allow themselves to see this as a valid reason to seek support, whether amongst friends, in a formal support group, or by connecting with a professional therapist. Interested in therapy services focused on coping with the empty nesting process? Call us at (516) 406-8991 or fill out or Contact Form here. Interested in further support through the empty nesting process with our Empty Nester Support Group for Women? Check out the group page here and fill out our Group Interest Form here.
by Megan Ockovic, MA, MHC-LP Throughout our lives we are constantly developing and changing, often alongside changes to our life circumstances. We begin as newborns, then toddlers, developing and changing day to day and minute to minute. We may experience transitioning to a form of childcare, such as daycare or a nanny caring for us in addition to our primary caregivers. We experience a transition when we become a student, being tasked with learning certain information and often transitioning to spending time away from the home regularly. We make many transitions throughout our adolescence, including puberty, hormonal changes (often including sexual attraction to others, often before it is understood on a cognitive level), social influence, making (and breaking) of friendships, joining of sports and clubs, and thoughts of future career. As we leave high school, we transition to the world of college and/or the world of work, and possibly increase independence by separating from primary caregivers and living with friends, significant others, or on our own. We transition in and out of relationships as we find and change our path. We may choose to marry, to divorce, to move, to have children. All of which are transitions. We must experience hundreds of transitions throughout our lives! Sometimes transitions are unexpected, such as: unwanted transitions due to an injury or loss of a close friend; transitions that lead to a range of feelings like being needed to care for a family member or an unexpected pregnancy; and transitions that trigger feelings of extreme happiness like a proposal or finding out that you won the lottery. An important factor to consider is the impact that the transition may have on your life and how it may affect your day to day life. The impact of the event on your relationships, routines, assumptions about yourself, the world, and roles are also important to consider. Life transitions, although normal and frequent, are crucial to our development. We learn from our life transitions. We may mature and grow from our life transitions. Internal transitions can impact our sense of self. Questions such as “Who am I?” can be an important part of this process. Our sense of identity, autonomy, and spirituality can also be part of this transition process. Due to everyone’s situations being different, here are five important factors to consider when going through a transition: 1. TriggerWhat set off the transition? Was it planned, expected, or unexpected? Was the trigger something that you chose to do? 2. TimingHow does the transition affect your current life situation? Is it happening at a time that feels like the right time? Is it happening at a time that family, friends, and society will be accepting of, or is there the possibility of having to cope with negative feedback or challenges from others in your life? 3. ControlWhat aspects of this transition are within my control? Do you have the ability to make choices that will slow down, speed up, or change the trajectory of this transition? 4. Role ChangeDoes this transition involve a role change for me? Do I feel that my identity will be challenged or forced to shift due to this transition? Is it a role change that I am looking forward to, or one that I am dreading (or maybe a mixture of both!)? 5. DurationIs this transition sudden or drawn out, and is it seen as permanent or temporary? Am I able to influence or make decisions that will change the duration of this transition?  Transitions that typically occur at certain times for others may occur for you at a different time, which can make them more difficult to go through, feeling that you are missing the camaraderie and support that you had expected to have. Here are some suggestions for when you are experiencing a transition in your life:
Read on for more details about each of the above suggestions: 1. Seek Support from Loved OnesHaving support from others can help immensely with going through a life transition. You can turn to family and friends who know you well to share your thoughts, feelings, and struggles with. Consider a loved one(s) who you know will be supportive in the way that you need them to be. Perhaps speaking with a loved one(s) who has been through a similar transition, especially if you feel that they handled it well. 2. Seek Support from your CommunityConnecting with others who have experienced similar transitions can help you to feel heard and understood. The community that you seek support from can be local to your home, including support groups, meetups, and groups held at your local doctor or therapist’s office. The community can also reach further, meeting with others in an online format, whether using social media, virtual support groups, or message boards on websites devoted to specific concerns or experiences. 3. Connect with YourselfIt can be easy to feel overwhelmed and focused only on your current life transition. Many people find themselves no longer engaging in hobbies and activities that they used to enjoy, which can lead to increased feelings of sadness and depression. Try to continue engaging in the things that you enjoy, even if they must be modified in order to engage at the current time. 4. JournalingWriting down your thoughts and feelings can help you to process them as they come up. It can be kept privately or shared with trusted others who may be helping you through your current life transition. You may choose to discard the journal at some point in time, or save it to refer back to in the future. 5. Seek Professional SupportEngaging in therapeutic services can help you to further process your thoughts and feelings about your current experiences. Life transitions can leave us in states of contemplation, confusion, and with difficult emotions. Working with a therapist may help you to explore identity shifts you are experiencing, accommodate your hobbies and activities to your life change, and seek the support that will be helpful. If the cause of your life transition was traumatic to you, a therapist can assist with processing this and moving past the trauma.  Upcoming Seasonal TransitionsSince we are quickly approaching some major annual transitions, let's take some time to discuss them here. Seasonal and holiday transitions be very difficult for individuals. Some may be affected by adjusting clocks in the spring or fall, others are affected by temperature changes. The upcoming Daylight Savings Time change of “Falling back” means getting an extra hour in the middle of the night. It also means spending a lot more of the day in darkness. This can impact your routine, your mood, and your natural rhythm. Research is increasingly uncovering ways that Daylight Savings Time affects physical and mental health. Holidays can also be difficult due to pressures to have it all together, time spent with family members that may be triggering, as well as grieving holidays past and family members who have died and are no longer part of the celebrations. Some holiday traditions may spur memories of holidays past, triggering grief, guilt, and a cascade of other painful and complex emotions. The following are some strategies to help with the change of seasons and holidays :
Life transitions, whether seasonal, expected, or unexpected, can be difficult and really tough to go through. You are not alone! Therapy can help. Working with a clinician who understands the complexity of life transitions can give you a safe space to explore and process your feelings as well as make healthy plans for moving forward. Therapists who specialize in life transitions can help you to better understand your new or changed role and cope with the changes you are going through. You do not have to feel alone in your journey! References: (1): Harvard Health, https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/shining-a-light-on-winter-depression#:~:text=You%20should%20absorb%20light%20for,light%20time%20before%2010%20a.m.
About the AuthorMeg Ockovic, MA, MHC-LP, is a clinician at Healing & Growth Counseling. She specializes in helping her clients to adjust to, cope with, and thrive through life transitions. She herself has been through many life transitions. One that she reflects on positively is that of changing careers to become a mental health counselor. She always knew that counseling was her passion, wanting to help and hold space for others going through changes in their lives. Her favorite part of working with clients through various life transitions and adjustments in life is the increase she witnesses in self-efficacy as clients are able to execute behaviors necessary to produce changes. She loves the opportunity to validate her clients' progress and to be their cheerleader while they learn new coping skills, self-beliefs, and the confidence necessary to navigate their current transition. Want to learn more about Meg? Check out her bio here. Questions? Interested in scheduling an appointment? Call us at (516) 406-8991 or Submit a Contact Form here.
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Healing & Growth Counseling
4770 Sunrise Highway, Suite 102
Massapequa Park, NY 11762
(516) 406-8991
4770 Sunrise Highway, Suite 102
Massapequa Park, NY 11762
(516) 406-8991