When the Nest Feels Empty: Coping with Your Children Leaving Home

When the Next Feels Empty: Coping with Your Children Leaving Home

by Cindy Zabinski, LMHC, LCMHC, CRC, ACS

The process of becoming a mother and parent involves many identity shifts. Time that was once spent enjoying hobbies and spending time with friends may shift to spending time with family and caring for children. Over the years as young children grow, the role of parents and mothers may shift slightly, from changing diapers to driving kids to soccer practice to making sure they finished their homework, however a lot of time is still spent in the role of parent. 

Then, one day, as the children are old enough to establish further independence, they choose to go away to college or to enter the workforce. They may choose to move into an apartment, college dorm, or house. This can feel like an abrupt change, going from having your child home with you to having them live somewhere else. An experience known as empty nest syndrome can leave parents, especially mothers, struggling with difficult emotions and thoughts. In this article we will explore some of the signs, symptoms, and ways to help you through this period.

Is it normal to have an emotional response to my children leaving home?

The quick answer to this question is: Yes! It is normal to have many different emotions when a child leaves home, whether for college, work, or independence. This process triggers a major shift in a family's dynamics. Feelings may include: guilt, loneliness, grief, anxiety, worry, confusion, and more. Let's explore some of the common feelings shared by mothers here: 

Empty Nester Guilt

As your child moves forward into new chapters of life, they may share with you the ups, the downs, and the challenges that they experience. You may find yourself feeling guilty for not being there with them to overcome the challenges. You may review your parenting methods over the years with a magnifying glass, overanalyzing and criticizing decisions that you made along the way, leading to feelings of regret and guilt. 

Empty Nester Loneliness

The more people that you have living in your home, the less likely you are to have time to yourself in your home. Life with children living at home provides many distractions and often keeps you busy. When a child leaves home, this may leave you without distraction and without constant socialization. This could leave you feeling lonely. Even the absence of hearing their music playing from their bedroom, or the TV on in the den, can feel empty.

Empty Nester Grief

When one has children, part of their identity becomes that of a parent. This part of their identity grows and develops as their children age. When a child leaves home, there may be a feeling of loss of this part of you, which can lead to feelings of grief.

Empty Nester Anxiety & Worry

When children leave home, you may find yourself often worrying about them. You may not know as often where they are or what they are doing as you did when they were at home. Brief worry thoughts may come to mind, and this could also worsen and overtake your thoughts throughout the day.

Empty Nester Confusion

In once again thinking of your identity, the change in your role of parent may have you feeling lost or empty. Because the parent part of one's identity often takes up a lot of space in life, it may take some time to reconnect with parts of yourself that had been on the back-burner for many years.

Why am I struggling so much with my children leaving home?

Though all parents can experience difficult feelings related to the empty nest transition, women tend to feel the impact of this more deeply. Several things may contribute to this:

Cultural and Societal Roles

Society continues to place a lot of emphasis on the identity of mother when it comes to women. Though shifts in this have been seen in recent years, mothers continue to bear the greatest expectation of being the primary caretakers of children. 

Time spent as caregiver

Especially for those who stay-at-home or work part-time while having children living at home, a large percentage of hours are spent in the role of mother. Driving children to activities, planning meals, assisting with homework, providing emotional support, and assisting with activities of daily living lead to a feeling of loss or emptiness when that is no longer needed to that same extent. 

Hormonal changes

For many women, around the time when empty nesting occurs, hormonal changes of perimenopause or menopause are also occurring. Going through these hormonal changes can trigger mood fluctuation and emotional reactions, which can further exacerbate symptoms of empty nesting.

Should I be concerned about my mental health?

The signs and symptoms listed in this article are normal for those going through the empty nesting process. It is ok to feel sad or off-balance for a little while. It is good to be aware of your emotions and feelings, and to notice whether they are intensifying or if you are starting to feel some relief. If symptoms continue to intensify, it could lead to more serious mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety. If you start to notice that your symptoms start to really interfere with your daily life it is important to seek professional support.
Here are some signs and symptoms that may be cause for concern of a more serious mental health issue:

• Loss of interest in activities that you used to enjoy
• Significant changes in weight and appetite
• Difficulty sleeping or excessive sleeping
• Feeling worthless or hopeless
• Disconnecting from social supports and activities
• Thoughts of hurting yourself

How do I move forward in this?

Know that everyone's process of healing and growing through the empty nesting process looks different. Here I will share some ideas that may be helpful to your process:

Give yourself permission to feel

Allow yourself to feel. By trying to ignore and avoid feelings they will only build up inside, which could have other negative effects on your mind and body. Here are some ideas that can help you to create some space for your feelings:

• Set a timer for 15 minutes each day to let out any feelings that are coming up
• Start a journal - Spend some time each day writing about your feelings in it
• Meet with a therapist once a week for help with unpacking feelings and processing them

Reconnect with your identity

Consider activities and hobbies that you enjoyed prior to having children. Were there passions that you put on hold due to your role as a mother? Are there things that you had wanted to learn or try but couldn't because of your life being so busy? Now is the time to reconnect with past hobbies and also explore new ones! 

Practice reframing your thoughts

It is easy to fall into the negative view that your role as a mother is over once your children leave home. Quite the contrary, actually. Your role as a mother is evolving, shifting into something new. It is likely that your children will continue to reach out to you in different ways as they grow. By reframing thoughts of your role as mother ending to that it is evolving, that may help you to increase hope.

Focus on strengthening other relationships

With the additional time that you have as your children leave home, consider spending more time in relationships that may have been neglected in the past. Connect with your partner, reconnect with friends, and consider making new connections. Connections can also be made related to hobbies that you enjoy, which helps you to continue exploring your identity as it changes.

Consider counseling or support groups

Speaking with a therapist can help you to identify and process difficult and painful feelings that may arise as you are going through the empty nesting transition. You can work with a therapist to identify and work towards goals that help you develop and embrace your changing identity. Support groups can also be beneficial, as they allow you to meet with other women who are experiencing similar struggles and feelings. A support group would allow you to receive support from several people at once, and hear ideas of things that have been helpful to others going through the process.

Remember, empty nest syndrome and struggles are normal and commonly experienced among mothers. You don't have to feel alone in what you are experiencing. 

About the Author

Cindy Zabinski, LMHC, LCMHC, CRC, ACS is the founder and owner of Healing & Growth Counseling. Cindy has worked with many women who have gone through the process of empty nesting, and recognizes is as a common cause for difficult emotions and struggles. Cindy hopes that mothers can allow themselves to see this as a valid reason to seek support, whether amongst friends, in a formal support group, or by connecting with a professional therapist.

Interested in therapy services focused on coping with the empty nesting process? Call us at (516) 406-8991 or fill out or Contact Form here.

Interested in further support through the empty nesting process with our Empty Nester Support Group for Women? Check out the group page here and fill out our Group Interest Form here.